Brainwaves

Do you worry if there is something more once we die?  I have found that I am thinking more and more about it as time goes on.  I know that I want to believe, after all I do go for spiritual healing, and I have had a message from the otherside but was it a trick of the mind?

I think the more you want to know the less you do get confirmation of it all.  I truly hope that the healing I receive is doing some good, but then do you only get healing if you have never been a bad person .. then that would rule out lots of us wouldn't it.

What happens when we die, is it like a sleep that we never wake from?  We dream but at some point during the night we must stop dreaming and enter a total blackness but our heart just keeps pumping and our organs doing what comes naturally, so does our brain continue to exist and what if we wake up when our body is no longer there .. is that spirit?

Something to ponder on and something I needed to get off my chest.

Over populated

Many times I seem to look back at the past and wonder if I had done this or done that would this be different or would it still be the same.  I don't want to live in regret yet the way we live our life never seems right.  Were we mapped out to do this and that before we were born, was there a meaning to our life, have we missed it, should we have picked up on something and changed it. 

We can change some one's day by smiling at them without even knowing, we can also hurt some one by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  But if you were to remember something you have done it is usually the one that upsets things, not the one that brought joy.

Having cancer you go through ups and downs, when you go through the downs you seem to constantly look at the things you that you preceive you did wrong.  The nights you can't sleep your mind just sticks to every mistake you made, are you cleansing your soul before you die or giving yourself the biggest guilt trip ever!   I feel guilty for the world sometimes, what we as man have done.  The damage we have inflicted on each other in the name of God, wars because one believes in this or believes in that.

We all have beliefs, whether its in God (to whatever name you want to give him) or the sun or even just yourself.  Why should your thoughts be any better than your neighbours, why should they be so strong that you will kill for them? 

Then there's the poor animals.  The way we live today our cattle are herded by quad bikes, no human contact until they stand infront of a bolt gun and get murdered, all for mass production.  It would be great if we could go back to small villages that provided meat just for a few hundred and the farm animals got to live a reasonable life.  Chickens weren't force fed within 6 months to be eaten, once over they got to live till at least 18 months.  All these things keep me awake at night and make me feel guilty.

In spiritualism the belief is that part of God is born within, an essence of himself, is that what makes my guilt weigh heavy on my mind during the long hours of the night.  Can we make our world better or are we too late. 

Our population keeps growing, its growing faster than the world can accommodate.  We have taken over the land and the sea.  We dump waste, dig up resources and leave great big gaping holes where the oil has been extracted from. We rule the airways with waves that force birds off track and kill our bees.

We go on about sending money to the poor, instead of money maybe we should be teaching birth control, animals don't produce large families when they know droughts are due yet in these continents families are producing baby upon baby, they know that only 1 or 2 will survive but have loads to ensure that at least they have one.  Why not teach them that if you put all your energy into two they will survive instead of having 10 and loosing 8, now with all our aid, those 10 survive, which over populates the world.

We have come to far to change and everything nature throws at us to reduce the growing number we find something to counteract it.  So far probably the only thing nature can do is flood us out, but with that it kills the wild life.  If there was a virus that wiped out the human race that would be created by man himself, we are on the way to destruction just not many have woken up to the fact.

What keeps your mind swirling at night?

Life and meaning

I found out the other day that the healing minister has cancer.  All the work and time she has put into spiritualism and you would think she would be healthier.  Infact I haven't come across anyone really in the church who does have really good health.  Maybe spiritualism and ill health go hand in hand!

Lately I have wondered whether there is such a thing as home, do we leave this host and return to another home, where we float like air but can communicate, sense and feel but not touch or be of matter.   I did believe it in whole heartedly after having an experience back in 95 where I was transported somewhere else, leaving my body to do a talk while I went to the stars and felt the love and the tug of having to leave it when I was brought back to earth. 

As I seem to ponder about what will happen next in my own life part of you wants to push on and see whats next, the other wants to stay and be here for as long as possible.  Strange the thoughts you have when you have terminal cancer.  You battle with it, fighting for your very existence on earth then wonder what will really happen when you die.  Problem is once you're dead you can't really come back and say I didn't want it to happen yet can you.  If you get married you can divorce if you don't like it, you can swap jobs if you hate what you do, you can change your face with the magic of surgery but once you're gone you are gone.

Guess I will just have to carry on pondering as I don't want to go.

Is this Love

Loosing my mam this week has brought on so many mixed emotions.  I feel the burden of her old age lifted from my shoulders, but miss the fact that she is there much more.  My mam made her life miserable and hard, she didn't understand happiness or friendships, I don't even know if she really understood what love was.

At the age of 13 she had to leave school, back in the 1930's that is what life was like.  Her mother was a cold woman but my mother was close to her father.  She trained to be a nurse and worked outside of York during the end WW2. Many a time she said the reason was because on a Sunday the matron allowed them a little butter with their Sunday Teas.  My grandmother gave birth to a son and my mother was sent for to look after him as she wasn't able to cope.  So my mother's career was ended and she went back home to live.  She ended up working as a Cashier and Usher in the local cinema and somehow met my Dad.   She married at 24 and lived in with her mother in law, renting a room.  My Dad was in Germany in the Army then and it was quite a while before they got there own place.

I am the youngest of three, my two older brothers being 6 and 4 years older.  The eldest got the love and nothing was left for the rest of us.  He was always her favourite and even as she got older and his visits were shorter, he was the one.

She was never happy, my Dad died still loving this wife, her never once showing affection to him or us for that matter.  I always thought mam's coldness was down to my Dad, but once he died my mam's family started opening up about how cold mam had been through her childhood and her early years of marriage.

She did have a hard life, mam and dad hardly had a penny between them, he wanted his own business and worked full time at one company while building a business up with his brother.  Mam had a temper on her and many argument's ended up with her throwing crockery and him punching the doors.  Her temper would not be quenched and sometimes it would be turned on us. 

For a small woman she had a good weight behind those slaps and later years dog leaders and a cane.  Yet as kids we loved her, but didn't dare cross her.

We are challenged with trying to find memories for the funeral address and apart from her loving the dogs that we had and being an excellent cook at this moment and time I can't think of anything that made her laugh out loud.  She was a good instructor for teaching cooking, sewing, cleaning, decorating, by the time I was nine I could cook a full Sunday dinner. 

We built our own house, it took a few years but I sweated over the concrete mixer, broke toes catching bricks.  Every summer mam and I would decorate from one end of the house to the other.  Nearly all six weeks of the holidays I would either be painting or cleaning. 

Now that she has passed away the house is empty, I can feel no love residing their, hear no laughter in the walls. 

I was on chemo when Dad died, not long ago I found out that my operation although successful at the time, hasn't worked as well as I had hoped and my mesothelioma is on the move again.  My mam never really understood how ill I was, even when I was so ill the second time round on chemo she was demanding of my time and couldn't understand why I wasn't there all the time.  When I finally had the operation to remove my lung pleura, heart sac and diaphragm my illness never registered with her, she was lonely, had copd and couldn't breathe.  She would pretend that she couldn't breathe to get your attention,but all the time calling out I can't breathe!  When I can't breathe the last thing I can do is shout it out! 

When I was told that I was unable to have children at 30 she turned the knife that little bit more by praising the fact that her favourite son had given her such a wonderful grandson.  Then a miracle happened and at 40 I fell pregnant, she said I hope its a boy, girls are nothing but trouble.  I lost the child but no sympathy came my way, Oh well she said, I have 4 grandchildren.  Yet here I am constantly thinking about her, could I have done more, but what more can you do with someone who really didn't want to help themselves.  She could bleed you dry, cause an argument to make you feel bad.

We grew up in a house that argued from morning till night, my last conversation with my mother ended up with an argument, yet I guess for her it was what she wanted, so I am fighting the guilt and hoping that my mam has finally found the peace that she has craved for for all of her life.

I can only hope that if there is life in the form of spirit, then her spirit finally finds the meaning of love.